and we will walk this town

You're getting sick and tired
of being bossed around and gettin' told what to do
you're uninspired
as the words that they are sayin' start to get to you



The moment I started living for today the moment I realized how much has to change. Screw graduate school, just forget it. I have years to go back. Just let me graduate.
I'm going to Thailand, I'm going on a Road Trip, I'm going to living for today, for myself. I'm so young and I have wasted too long wishing I was older that I'm to a point that I just to scream out and stopping time. I'm in the prime of my life, I should be enjoying it! I should not be in a long-distance, three year relationship. It all ends today. I'm crazy and spontaneous and it's about time that person came out. I want to go to a college party and kiss and cute guy I'm attracted to and not feel guilty. I'm not looking to go out and sleep with men, but experience them!
When I used to think of you with other women, my stomach would churn and I would feel nauseous. I don't feel that anymore! When I would think of you holding me in your arms, I would get butterflys. Those are gone too. My phone would ring and I would hope it was you, but now I rarely hold my phone close, waiting. I think of you and I still smile, you're my best friend, You know me inside and out and I want to keep you as my best friend, forever and ever. There comes a time when you have to decide if you love someone enough to let them go and be happy elsewhere. So many people say if it was meant to be that we will find our way back together and I fully believe in that. Right now, this isn't for me. I only wish you could see that.

Just along the riverbend....

I am currently planning a new trip, this past spring I took my boyfriend out to Big Bend National Park, a place a hold dear to my heart and takes up many memories of my childhood. I have yet to decide where we will go. A friend and her mate are going to spend New Years in New Orleans, but we are not that type of people and often prefer the silence and solitude of camping and hiking. I'm can't decide weather I want to take him back to Big Bend for more adventures or maybe venture up to Arkansas, that way we can take a day trip and see his grandparents in Norfork.

This semester I am working four jobs, yes four, and going to school full time. Although the stress is getting to me, the financial security feels incredible and I have finally been able to open a savings account. I am working on paying back loans to family, but with four jobs and consistent paychecks, I think this is all worth it. At least for this semester.

I am also working on graduate school application, although I am fairly certain I do not have the grades or smarts to get into anywhere. I also need to start studying up on the GRE. I have a lot of confidence for the test as I scored high on the SAT and ACT and the GRE is lots of essays and analogy. I am also toying with the idea, if I can find a grad school with spring admission, to take the fall off and travel, work and do some volunteer work.

I have been forcing myslef to slow down lately and enjoy life. I live so much in the furture that by the the time I look back the furture I had been planning has passed and I did not enjoy it.

As we go on, we don't quite remember all the good times

We don't quite remember our friends as we graduate. I mean really, who still keeps in touch with all of those friends who you told "I promise to get together when we're both home on college break," gave and big hug a cheesy grin to. Not many can say they have.


We grow older. We become successful in our college towns and often end up staying through the summer instead of rushing out of the dorms to get free rent at Mom and Dad's or Grandma's (like my brother had). I have come to realize that this summer is a turning point for me. I am not one of those who are rushing home to the slightly restricted, but rent free lifestyle of mom and dad's. This summer I am on my own a quite independent. I am taking 12 hours in summer class, working 2 jobs and volunteer and various places to get more experience in my field.


This summer I will spend my birthday more than likely alone. I have made many friends here, some who stayed, some who left, but on a Monday I doubt anyone will want to go out. I work in the morning, then there is college in the afternoon past 9pm and I must wake up and do it all over again the next day. I can picture what my birthday would be like at home and pulls my heart a little because I know this summer I am making a big change.

Since I last wrote:

-I have gotten a dog. He's been a good companion and protection.

- Fallen more in love with my boyfriend. I hope he realizes soon I want to be engaged. I need the security of commitment.

- Rented a house with a big back yard and lots of space to spread out. I live with 3 good friends.
- Put on a few pounds

I suppose those are the major events.

I also suppose those people who were following me no longer use this.

I graduate next August with my Bachelors. I will only be 20.

Mr. & Mrs.

I have tried to move on, I have failed miserably. I love you, that I cannot deny. I want you in my furture forever. I want get old and wrinkly with you. I want to have your beautiful children. More than anything, I want to be your wife.

Three years and happiness and struggling, and I have yet to find someone as perfect as you. I love you.

And it's beginning to get to me...

...That I know more of the stars and sea Than I do of what's in your head.

I find it fascinating how the ones we lust after do not lust after us, while the ones who lust and love us, we do not.

I have slept in bed with a guy, (let's call him Ram), who I played flag football with, nothing has happened either times. After "the event" over a month ago I find this relieving, but at the same time wondering if I am that repulsive. He pushed hard enough to make me tell him my secret after he shared one of his. I wonder if it was a mistake. After I told him he was very sweet and held me while I shook, trying to hold in the anger, fear and tears. I fear this is going nowhere, I hoped he would be the first to prove me wrong and change my views on guys.

Then there is Bama boy, whom I went to high school with. I have just started talking to him after two years of no communication, save the occasional facebook comment. He was very upfront after a few days of talking that he has and is very interested in dating for a long time, even through the distance. He pressured me to feel the same, but when I told him I wasn't comfortable with the long distance deal again, and I forget to mention I wasn't attracted to him or his nature, he was very hurt. Do you ever have someone you just enjoy talking to? This is him. The one I turn to for sound advice. It hurts to reject him, because I know the rejection.

Alas, the ex. I do love him, he knows I do, but that love is a caring kind of love. It hurts to hear him say he misses me, us, the hugs, the kisses, the sticky summer spent together trying to make things work. It wasn't worth the fight anymore. I suppose it's possible to run back to him while I'm struggling with the repercussions of "the event," but I'm avoiding it. At the same time I feel I use him in a sense by talking to him daily and pushing him away, but getting jealous when another touches him. It kills me to think that someone else can now touch him the way I have.

So the search goes on, to find and heal myself, and to avoid the male species. I'm waiting for the one that will make me feel beautiful.

and i belong to you...

It's like I finally figure things out when somebody blindfolded me and spun me around and set me lose. I'm just completely lost.

silver lining

there are going to be events that happen in life that we never expected but we must learn to move on for the hope of a better future

If it wasn't for the strength you have taught us to hold these past few weeks, we would be lost and drowning, never being able to move on.