Ending of a Chapter

Today I have been able to end a chapter I have been dragging out for some time. I patiently waited, I kept writing, filling the pages with hopeful words and woes, of long nights talking with the girls, planning our encounter, but I have run out of paper devoted to you. I will not regret forgetting to keep in touch from now on. I made an effort to save something, searching frantically for something, but it was never there and that was my downfall; trying to find answers where there were none.

I am not the stupid girl, filling her head with silly dreams of a neverland, I have realized I need to out grow that part of life. I'm ending it by ending this chapter. You will no longer fill the space in my blog, the silly song quotes i post in my facebook status, hoping you see it's for you.

I do not want to be you.

Your side of the grass is not greener.

And I will no longer answer you calls.

You never took my hand, so I'm jumping off and leaving you behind.

she calls me cause I'm still awake

Tell me, what makes you think your so invincible? I can see it in your eyes that your so sure. What about me? The vulnerable one, the one too scared to climb in a kiddy play tube because I'm afriad it will shrink while I'm inside and crush me. I need you, Mr. I-think-I'm-so-invincible-and-brave-and-allthoseannoyingwordsguysusetomakethemselveslookmasculine-annoying-but-oh-so-adorable-man. I'm waiting for you to make a choice. I've made mine. You still haven't taken my hand to jump off the cliff, but oh Mr. Invincible the fall before your swept of your feet it is one of complete serenity.
How do I become you? Do I even want to become you? What's the view from life in the fast lane?

Bombs Away

I need to know your willing to do this with me, all of you. That this isn't just a dream on paper, developed in the wee hours of a hot summer night. We humans are a slave to our impulses, we can choose to control them or we can take this situation and jump blindly. Choose to let go of inhibitions, choose to jump. What do we have to lose besides an expereience of a lifetime!

From the moment I saw you laughing at the desk, I knew. Four months later and one week until move out I took a leap with the assurance of the girls. You followed suit and that last week was heaven. Over three months later and a new semester I question where we are, if it will blossom to more. The intensity of that leap left us in heated passion, clouded minds and a lingering sweet scent, I took the lead and now I need you to decide where it goes from here. I put it in your hands. My toes are inching towards the edge for a fina leap, will you hold my hand?

Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket...but I've never seen one

As I tell my friends I left you the week before move in, I feel the tug of a guilty lie. You love me more than ever as our two year anni. quickly approaches. I find the words easily played out and perfectly said inside my head, but as you call me late at night or I ignore your text I freeze and unemotionally say the ritualistic words back to you. I promise I'm not wanting to have this affair and be the unfaithful one, I just can't bring myself to make the final disconnection.
I want you to know I've found someone new, the same guy I visited this summer when I told you I was just going to visit some college friends. He's close by, not as much distance as you and I have; he's not as experienced as you, but he's a good guy, you would get along with him. Just for now, I need him, not you.
I don't want to be the selfish girl, the girl who plays with two hearts at once, along with her own, but I can't let you go somehow. I see us married within five years, a beautiful home with at least two children shortly after that, both of us successful in our careers, but right now, at this stage I need the spontaneous new guy who takes me on new adventures, I need your stablity later. When we both graduate college, I need you to wait for me until then. If I leave you, you won't wait.


P.S. I've been writing blogs, but have been unable to post on the blog recently, so here are a few blogs all at once.

Taboo Sleeping Paranoia

I'm thinking I should print this off for my mother and I. We inherited the wrong hairy-ness amount from our father's. I've often turned this paranoia over and over in my head; I'm certain any significant other would be scared away if they knew the truth.

I don't understand why hair on girls is such a taboo? Many European women never have to shave, but us Americans do or we are considered replusive by most men. I'm tired of it and maybe I want to be hairy sometimes! It takes way to much time these days... Especially when you expect my vag to be smooth as a babies bottom! Yes, I started to before you, but now that you request--DEMAND it-- I have no motivation to. I'm becoming more logical as I age, shaving as often or waxing just to be silky smooth for a night with you is ridculous. I don't expect it from you and by golly if I feel like letting my vag hair grow out a bit then I will! You can like it or not, but I will no longer take some much time to please you.

Racist?

As a Native Texan I've heard and thought this all my life. Does that make me racist?

How about you give a darn if you want to be in this country so badly; it'll help you fit it, get a job, and allow your children to blossom in our school systems.


I'm not racist.
You're just stubborn & ignorant.

Retts

Rett Syndrome: A symptom complex only observed in girls. The child develops normally for 6 to 12 months, and then the disease manifests in the age 6 months to 4 years. It is a progressive neurodevelopmental disorder characterised by acquired microcephaly, severe dementia, autism, purposeless hand movements, characteristic hand-wringing stereotypy, and jerky ataxia of the trunk. Hypotonia (loss of muscle tone) is usually the first symptom. Inheritance is probably X-linked dominant with lethality in the hemizygous males. The syndrome affects approximately 1 in every 10,000-15,000 live female births. The gene causing the disorder has now been identified.

bright eyes

sweet smile

clasped hands

unique style

special child

secret mind

loving heart

one of a kind

so we thought

but 'tis not true

now we find she is one of a few

I'm learning more about G everyday; she's so special to me, brighter than others would assume. Those eyes bear into mine, questioning, answering. I long to know what toughts linger in her mind. If only I knew G, we'd be inseperable.

JET is such a fireball grasping you for just one seconding and wizing off to a new adventure.

TNT grows with each day. Currently exploring the sounds and blurbs her mouth can make, mimicking mine, scooting backwards, standing nearly on our own. Perhaps we will walk before we crawl.