Mr. & Mrs.

I have tried to move on, I have failed miserably. I love you, that I cannot deny. I want you in my furture forever. I want get old and wrinkly with you. I want to have your beautiful children. More than anything, I want to be your wife.

Three years and happiness and struggling, and I have yet to find someone as perfect as you. I love you.

And it's beginning to get to me...

...That I know more of the stars and sea Than I do of what's in your head.

I find it fascinating how the ones we lust after do not lust after us, while the ones who lust and love us, we do not.

I have slept in bed with a guy, (let's call him Ram), who I played flag football with, nothing has happened either times. After "the event" over a month ago I find this relieving, but at the same time wondering if I am that repulsive. He pushed hard enough to make me tell him my secret after he shared one of his. I wonder if it was a mistake. After I told him he was very sweet and held me while I shook, trying to hold in the anger, fear and tears. I fear this is going nowhere, I hoped he would be the first to prove me wrong and change my views on guys.

Then there is Bama boy, whom I went to high school with. I have just started talking to him after two years of no communication, save the occasional facebook comment. He was very upfront after a few days of talking that he has and is very interested in dating for a long time, even through the distance. He pressured me to feel the same, but when I told him I wasn't comfortable with the long distance deal again, and I forget to mention I wasn't attracted to him or his nature, he was very hurt. Do you ever have someone you just enjoy talking to? This is him. The one I turn to for sound advice. It hurts to reject him, because I know the rejection.

Alas, the ex. I do love him, he knows I do, but that love is a caring kind of love. It hurts to hear him say he misses me, us, the hugs, the kisses, the sticky summer spent together trying to make things work. It wasn't worth the fight anymore. I suppose it's possible to run back to him while I'm struggling with the repercussions of "the event," but I'm avoiding it. At the same time I feel I use him in a sense by talking to him daily and pushing him away, but getting jealous when another touches him. It kills me to think that someone else can now touch him the way I have.

So the search goes on, to find and heal myself, and to avoid the male species. I'm waiting for the one that will make me feel beautiful.

and i belong to you...

It's like I finally figure things out when somebody blindfolded me and spun me around and set me lose. I'm just completely lost.

silver lining

there are going to be events that happen in life that we never expected but we must learn to move on for the hope of a better future

If it wasn't for the strength you have taught us to hold these past few weeks, we would be lost and drowning, never being able to move on.

The Settlement

Seven years.

He is banned, expelled, trespassed for 7 years from our university. He was only three months away from a December graduation. Is there a bit of guilt in that we prevented that? Perhaps, but he should have thought of this before.

For the next seven years I can feel more secure in my enviornment. By the time I gradute from the Master's program here there will still be time to spare. He has no reason to stay around anymore.

We are free Emily, free.

Just to Feel

Do you dream, that the world will know your name
So tell me your name
Do you care, about all the little things or anything at all?
I wanna feel, all the chemicals inside
I wanna feel I wanna sunburn, just to know that I'm alive
To know I'm alive



Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon



Do you believe, in the day that you were born
Tell me do you believe?
Do you know, that everyday's the first of the rest of your life



Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon



This is to one last day in the shadows
And to know a brother's love
This is to New York City angels
And the rivers of our blood
This is to all of us, to all of us



Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon

You can tell me all your thoughts, about the stars that fill polluted skies
And show me where you run to, when no one's left to take your side
But don't tell me where the road ends, cause I just don't wanna know,

No I don't wanna know
Don't tell me if I'm dying
Don't tell me if I'm dying
Don't tell me if I'm dying

I'm a fighter, and fighters don't let people like you define them. Cowards who take, deceive and lie. I wonder how you live with yourself. I tried to have compassion, understanding for the situation, but this is not the first time. Pitiful. Really. I will not give up; I will pour my anger into something positive. I will not be afraid! I have more on my side than you ever will. I'm here to change in world, the laws that are letting you slip away and help your manipulative nature. It's time for you to fear me.

Fear

Fear:

1. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
2. a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights.
3. concern or anxiety; solicitude: a fear for someone's safety.
4. reverential awe, esp. toward God.
5. that which causes a feeling of being afraid; that of which a person is afraid: Cancer is a common fear.

—Synonyms 1. apprehension, consternation, dismay, terror, fright, panic, horror, trepidation. Fear, alarm, dread all imply a painful emotion experienced when one is confronted by threatening danger or evil. Alarm implies an agitation of the feelings caused by awakening to imminent danger; it names a feeling of fright or panic: He started up in alarm. Fear and dread usually refer more to a condition or state than to an event. Fear is often applied to an attitude toward something, which, when experienced, will cause the sensation of fright: fear of falling. Dread suggests anticipation of something, usually a particular event, which, when experienced, will be disagreeable rather than frightening: She lives in dread of losing her money. The same is often true of fear, when used in a negative statement: She has no fear she'll lose her money. 6. apprehend, dread.

FEAR



I have become my fear. Paranoid to the point of abnormal functions. Would I share this on my blog? - Eventually, but all I know is this fear is eating me alive. A fear few friends know, if so only vaguely and the one involved with me knows in greater detail than I choose to remember from last Wednesday night. I was so content to bottle it up, sleep and pretend it never happened. I am grateful that is not how it turned out.
She seeks help tomorrow, while I do not. It is not because I feel I am any less affected, it's just not the time for me. I am not ready to stop being my fear and until I am I will allow the paranoia to eat me. To let the exhaustion engulf me; waiting for the day to scream you did this to me, this was not a mistake.