Mr. & Mrs.

I have tried to move on, I have failed miserably. I love you, that I cannot deny. I want you in my furture forever. I want get old and wrinkly with you. I want to have your beautiful children. More than anything, I want to be your wife.

Three years and happiness and struggling, and I have yet to find someone as perfect as you. I love you.

And it's beginning to get to me...

...That I know more of the stars and sea Than I do of what's in your head.

I find it fascinating how the ones we lust after do not lust after us, while the ones who lust and love us, we do not.

I have slept in bed with a guy, (let's call him Ram), who I played flag football with, nothing has happened either times. After "the event" over a month ago I find this relieving, but at the same time wondering if I am that repulsive. He pushed hard enough to make me tell him my secret after he shared one of his. I wonder if it was a mistake. After I told him he was very sweet and held me while I shook, trying to hold in the anger, fear and tears. I fear this is going nowhere, I hoped he would be the first to prove me wrong and change my views on guys.

Then there is Bama boy, whom I went to high school with. I have just started talking to him after two years of no communication, save the occasional facebook comment. He was very upfront after a few days of talking that he has and is very interested in dating for a long time, even through the distance. He pressured me to feel the same, but when I told him I wasn't comfortable with the long distance deal again, and I forget to mention I wasn't attracted to him or his nature, he was very hurt. Do you ever have someone you just enjoy talking to? This is him. The one I turn to for sound advice. It hurts to reject him, because I know the rejection.

Alas, the ex. I do love him, he knows I do, but that love is a caring kind of love. It hurts to hear him say he misses me, us, the hugs, the kisses, the sticky summer spent together trying to make things work. It wasn't worth the fight anymore. I suppose it's possible to run back to him while I'm struggling with the repercussions of "the event," but I'm avoiding it. At the same time I feel I use him in a sense by talking to him daily and pushing him away, but getting jealous when another touches him. It kills me to think that someone else can now touch him the way I have.

So the search goes on, to find and heal myself, and to avoid the male species. I'm waiting for the one that will make me feel beautiful.