Mr. & Mrs.

I have tried to move on, I have failed miserably. I love you, that I cannot deny. I want you in my furture forever. I want get old and wrinkly with you. I want to have your beautiful children. More than anything, I want to be your wife.

Three years and happiness and struggling, and I have yet to find someone as perfect as you. I love you.

And it's beginning to get to me...

...That I know more of the stars and sea Than I do of what's in your head.

I find it fascinating how the ones we lust after do not lust after us, while the ones who lust and love us, we do not.

I have slept in bed with a guy, (let's call him Ram), who I played flag football with, nothing has happened either times. After "the event" over a month ago I find this relieving, but at the same time wondering if I am that repulsive. He pushed hard enough to make me tell him my secret after he shared one of his. I wonder if it was a mistake. After I told him he was very sweet and held me while I shook, trying to hold in the anger, fear and tears. I fear this is going nowhere, I hoped he would be the first to prove me wrong and change my views on guys.

Then there is Bama boy, whom I went to high school with. I have just started talking to him after two years of no communication, save the occasional facebook comment. He was very upfront after a few days of talking that he has and is very interested in dating for a long time, even through the distance. He pressured me to feel the same, but when I told him I wasn't comfortable with the long distance deal again, and I forget to mention I wasn't attracted to him or his nature, he was very hurt. Do you ever have someone you just enjoy talking to? This is him. The one I turn to for sound advice. It hurts to reject him, because I know the rejection.

Alas, the ex. I do love him, he knows I do, but that love is a caring kind of love. It hurts to hear him say he misses me, us, the hugs, the kisses, the sticky summer spent together trying to make things work. It wasn't worth the fight anymore. I suppose it's possible to run back to him while I'm struggling with the repercussions of "the event," but I'm avoiding it. At the same time I feel I use him in a sense by talking to him daily and pushing him away, but getting jealous when another touches him. It kills me to think that someone else can now touch him the way I have.

So the search goes on, to find and heal myself, and to avoid the male species. I'm waiting for the one that will make me feel beautiful.

and i belong to you...

It's like I finally figure things out when somebody blindfolded me and spun me around and set me lose. I'm just completely lost.

silver lining

there are going to be events that happen in life that we never expected but we must learn to move on for the hope of a better future

If it wasn't for the strength you have taught us to hold these past few weeks, we would be lost and drowning, never being able to move on.

The Settlement

Seven years.

He is banned, expelled, trespassed for 7 years from our university. He was only three months away from a December graduation. Is there a bit of guilt in that we prevented that? Perhaps, but he should have thought of this before.

For the next seven years I can feel more secure in my enviornment. By the time I gradute from the Master's program here there will still be time to spare. He has no reason to stay around anymore.

We are free Emily, free.

Just to Feel

Do you dream, that the world will know your name
So tell me your name
Do you care, about all the little things or anything at all?
I wanna feel, all the chemicals inside
I wanna feel I wanna sunburn, just to know that I'm alive
To know I'm alive



Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon



Do you believe, in the day that you were born
Tell me do you believe?
Do you know, that everyday's the first of the rest of your life



Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon



This is to one last day in the shadows
And to know a brother's love
This is to New York City angels
And the rivers of our blood
This is to all of us, to all of us



Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon

You can tell me all your thoughts, about the stars that fill polluted skies
And show me where you run to, when no one's left to take your side
But don't tell me where the road ends, cause I just don't wanna know,

No I don't wanna know
Don't tell me if I'm dying
Don't tell me if I'm dying
Don't tell me if I'm dying

I'm a fighter, and fighters don't let people like you define them. Cowards who take, deceive and lie. I wonder how you live with yourself. I tried to have compassion, understanding for the situation, but this is not the first time. Pitiful. Really. I will not give up; I will pour my anger into something positive. I will not be afraid! I have more on my side than you ever will. I'm here to change in world, the laws that are letting you slip away and help your manipulative nature. It's time for you to fear me.

Fear

Fear:

1. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
2. a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights.
3. concern or anxiety; solicitude: a fear for someone's safety.
4. reverential awe, esp. toward God.
5. that which causes a feeling of being afraid; that of which a person is afraid: Cancer is a common fear.

—Synonyms 1. apprehension, consternation, dismay, terror, fright, panic, horror, trepidation. Fear, alarm, dread all imply a painful emotion experienced when one is confronted by threatening danger or evil. Alarm implies an agitation of the feelings caused by awakening to imminent danger; it names a feeling of fright or panic: He started up in alarm. Fear and dread usually refer more to a condition or state than to an event. Fear is often applied to an attitude toward something, which, when experienced, will cause the sensation of fright: fear of falling. Dread suggests anticipation of something, usually a particular event, which, when experienced, will be disagreeable rather than frightening: She lives in dread of losing her money. The same is often true of fear, when used in a negative statement: She has no fear she'll lose her money. 6. apprehend, dread.

FEAR



I have become my fear. Paranoid to the point of abnormal functions. Would I share this on my blog? - Eventually, but all I know is this fear is eating me alive. A fear few friends know, if so only vaguely and the one involved with me knows in greater detail than I choose to remember from last Wednesday night. I was so content to bottle it up, sleep and pretend it never happened. I am grateful that is not how it turned out.
She seeks help tomorrow, while I do not. It is not because I feel I am any less affected, it's just not the time for me. I am not ready to stop being my fear and until I am I will allow the paranoia to eat me. To let the exhaustion engulf me; waiting for the day to scream you did this to me, this was not a mistake.

Breakage

So I must blog and complain that I have had my 1521 Dell laptop for less than a year and it has decided to crash again, second time since July. Problem with Dell is they have no stores like Apple/Mac does and I must wait 20 minutes on the phone to get a Indian person who's English it not so grand and who I can hardly understand.
This is very aggravating!

I have a full warranty which means they owe me a brand new laptop restored with my data, but alas that would leave me without a laptop for god knows how long (I must ship it to India). I simply cannot wait for that! I feel ridiculous using the computer lab in my residence hall.

I have a long list of complaints for Dell Computers, but at this moment I do not have time to talk on the phone for three hours. I think I will drive myself to BestBuy and have the GeekSquad look at it. At this point I am willing to pay good money for my laptop to stop crashing. I do not overload it with data and it does not have viruses nor do I install strange documents.


*Fumes*

Peace

And tonight in silence, two lovers hate and find
One is bored

One is angry

But neither one of them is right, oh

And so I look for peace in the wrong places, crowds of drunk pigs rubbing against each other looking for the thrill of a quick sack session. I know where I should be and I know where the answers are but I keep running from them. Is it from fear or the thrill of being caught? Why doesn't he suspect? Is because he is so loyal, while I am not?

I know,

but I choose not to go where those answers are.

I keep running away.

Until you let go, I'll continue on the path of sin you hate so much, the more you hate what I do the farther I'll go.

I want to tell you to let go, but I know when you do, I'll fall and your the only one that would pick me up in the state I am.

[ Awesome video that even I can't help but get emotional about: Lifehouse]

Slow down Girl

Why is is so difficult some days to be a girl?

I know so many people say, but you don't have to do this or that, just be yourself.



Easier said than done.



God forbid if I walk out of the house without one or two layers of make up and long lashes, but not too much or I may be looking too "whore-ish" or "slutty." Then to decide on what to wear, if I go too black, I'm depressed, too light and I'm giddy, too "comfy" and I'm a fat lazy cow and too tight I'm a damn hooker. Seriously what is wrong with the world? If I gain too much weight, I've gone obese, too skinny and your anorexic, but average is too plain. o.O Huh? If your hair isn't lush and bouncy with curls or straight and light, you've better make it that way; adding at least thirty minutes to your prep time. The air around you must linger of a perfume, alluring men to see what that sweet scent is, otherwise you've apparently failed the hygiene test. The legs must be silky smooth, as the rest of your body, hairless and beautifully moisturized.

Ridiculous!

Utterly painful to be a girl. Throughout my short life I've picked up on these rules and then some, how tragic and shocking is this to a girl? Not very. Why? Because you've simple been expected and told of these rules and take them as "NORMAL."



I'm sure the male side has their problems too, but I truly believe aesthetically it's so much harder to be a girl.

I AM.

I am an American Solider.

My brother graduated on Friday from Fort Sill, Oklahoma.

I have never been more proud in my life of his final accomplishment.

Remembrance

Today was supposed to be a day of remembrance of what happened 7 years ago, but did I feel a thing? No, that is until I was required to go to a program one of the halls was putting on. I was reminded of how often we confine ourselves to only thinking about here and now and beyond, often forgetting how the past has shaped us, transformed us in some manner. Too often we walk around with blank faces, preoccupied with the days thoughts, forgetting to look past the glaze and appreciate the beauty of what is, what is now.

Have you noticed the tree's changing shape, changing color, the rushing tide of rain trickling down a hill after a long storm, or that ever so common squirrel scurrying across the lawn with a nut. For once, notice those little things and appreciate them here and now, break through the glaze we so often limit ourselves to. We forget there are people just like you thousands of miles away taking a stroll down the Italian coast. How does that make you feel? Pretty small, huh?

That's how I felt when I thought about the impact 9/11 must have had on the people directly affected, it was more than smoke and debris on t.v. it was a life lost, a family member you had a bond with gone; gone in an instant of selfishness.

I know so many quotes and people tell you to "live life to the fullest," but I won't say that, what I want is for you to stop glazing over. Did you notice that the guy in the red shirt smiled at you? No, because we were to preoccupied with yourself. So from now on, lift up you head and pop the bubble you live in and just smile back!

The world is not the cruel place depicted on t.v. so often, it's a humble place, with humble people, a beautiful world waiting for it's inhabitants to open there eyes!

Mind Aloof

Abnormal Psychology: scientific study of abnormal behavior in order to describe, predict, explain, and change abnormal patterns of functioning. Abnormal psychology in clinical psychology studies the nature of psychopathology, its causes, and its treatments.

Abnormal: A person or object that is not normal; Not conforming to rule or system; deviating from the type; anomalous; irregular; Of or pertaining to behaviour that deviates from norms of social propriety or accepted standards of mental health; Odd, strange

So why study abnormal psychology? Taking this literally would make us all "abnormal" and need to be observed by a trained psychologist. I love this class, but it makes me question myself, my family, my friend's mental states. The mind wanders into crannies it's never been before searching for questions to match with the answers I've received in lecture. Psychologist general have a standarized why of determining mental "abnormalities," but maybe I find myself a bit abnormal with being classified as clinically abnomoral. I'm second quessing again...

I question myself a lot lately, wondering if there is something wrong with me to explain recent events, but friends reassure me there is nothing wrong, it's the other person. Do you wonder if they lie or it truly was the other person's wrong that lead to the outcome?

So where do I draw the line for myself that maybe I'm too outside the box and need to take myself to the clinic on campus (?); the same clinic I've done research and tutoring in. The people that know me and see me in classes. Do you have someone else draw the line at abnormal for you? What if they don't truly know you?

My mind continues to wander in crannies continuing to pull out questions, hoping to find an answer, a medium my mind is supposed to be at.

Serenity

Sometimes one just needs some positive words to get them through the tough times, for me these words are my serenity words of the week.

There will always be someone to disappoint us in life, but the amazing thing about humans is our ability to adapt, to change, and to move on; to find someone better and worth while.

Ending of a Chapter

Today I have been able to end a chapter I have been dragging out for some time. I patiently waited, I kept writing, filling the pages with hopeful words and woes, of long nights talking with the girls, planning our encounter, but I have run out of paper devoted to you. I will not regret forgetting to keep in touch from now on. I made an effort to save something, searching frantically for something, but it was never there and that was my downfall; trying to find answers where there were none.

I am not the stupid girl, filling her head with silly dreams of a neverland, I have realized I need to out grow that part of life. I'm ending it by ending this chapter. You will no longer fill the space in my blog, the silly song quotes i post in my facebook status, hoping you see it's for you.

I do not want to be you.

Your side of the grass is not greener.

And I will no longer answer you calls.

You never took my hand, so I'm jumping off and leaving you behind.

she calls me cause I'm still awake

Tell me, what makes you think your so invincible? I can see it in your eyes that your so sure. What about me? The vulnerable one, the one too scared to climb in a kiddy play tube because I'm afriad it will shrink while I'm inside and crush me. I need you, Mr. I-think-I'm-so-invincible-and-brave-and-allthoseannoyingwordsguysusetomakethemselveslookmasculine-annoying-but-oh-so-adorable-man. I'm waiting for you to make a choice. I've made mine. You still haven't taken my hand to jump off the cliff, but oh Mr. Invincible the fall before your swept of your feet it is one of complete serenity.
How do I become you? Do I even want to become you? What's the view from life in the fast lane?

Bombs Away

I need to know your willing to do this with me, all of you. That this isn't just a dream on paper, developed in the wee hours of a hot summer night. We humans are a slave to our impulses, we can choose to control them or we can take this situation and jump blindly. Choose to let go of inhibitions, choose to jump. What do we have to lose besides an expereience of a lifetime!

From the moment I saw you laughing at the desk, I knew. Four months later and one week until move out I took a leap with the assurance of the girls. You followed suit and that last week was heaven. Over three months later and a new semester I question where we are, if it will blossom to more. The intensity of that leap left us in heated passion, clouded minds and a lingering sweet scent, I took the lead and now I need you to decide where it goes from here. I put it in your hands. My toes are inching towards the edge for a fina leap, will you hold my hand?

Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket...but I've never seen one

As I tell my friends I left you the week before move in, I feel the tug of a guilty lie. You love me more than ever as our two year anni. quickly approaches. I find the words easily played out and perfectly said inside my head, but as you call me late at night or I ignore your text I freeze and unemotionally say the ritualistic words back to you. I promise I'm not wanting to have this affair and be the unfaithful one, I just can't bring myself to make the final disconnection.
I want you to know I've found someone new, the same guy I visited this summer when I told you I was just going to visit some college friends. He's close by, not as much distance as you and I have; he's not as experienced as you, but he's a good guy, you would get along with him. Just for now, I need him, not you.
I don't want to be the selfish girl, the girl who plays with two hearts at once, along with her own, but I can't let you go somehow. I see us married within five years, a beautiful home with at least two children shortly after that, both of us successful in our careers, but right now, at this stage I need the spontaneous new guy who takes me on new adventures, I need your stablity later. When we both graduate college, I need you to wait for me until then. If I leave you, you won't wait.


P.S. I've been writing blogs, but have been unable to post on the blog recently, so here are a few blogs all at once.

Taboo Sleeping Paranoia

I'm thinking I should print this off for my mother and I. We inherited the wrong hairy-ness amount from our father's. I've often turned this paranoia over and over in my head; I'm certain any significant other would be scared away if they knew the truth.

I don't understand why hair on girls is such a taboo? Many European women never have to shave, but us Americans do or we are considered replusive by most men. I'm tired of it and maybe I want to be hairy sometimes! It takes way to much time these days... Especially when you expect my vag to be smooth as a babies bottom! Yes, I started to before you, but now that you request--DEMAND it-- I have no motivation to. I'm becoming more logical as I age, shaving as often or waxing just to be silky smooth for a night with you is ridculous. I don't expect it from you and by golly if I feel like letting my vag hair grow out a bit then I will! You can like it or not, but I will no longer take some much time to please you.

Racist?

As a Native Texan I've heard and thought this all my life. Does that make me racist?

How about you give a darn if you want to be in this country so badly; it'll help you fit it, get a job, and allow your children to blossom in our school systems.


I'm not racist.
You're just stubborn & ignorant.

Retts

Rett Syndrome: A symptom complex only observed in girls. The child develops normally for 6 to 12 months, and then the disease manifests in the age 6 months to 4 years. It is a progressive neurodevelopmental disorder characterised by acquired microcephaly, severe dementia, autism, purposeless hand movements, characteristic hand-wringing stereotypy, and jerky ataxia of the trunk. Hypotonia (loss of muscle tone) is usually the first symptom. Inheritance is probably X-linked dominant with lethality in the hemizygous males. The syndrome affects approximately 1 in every 10,000-15,000 live female births. The gene causing the disorder has now been identified.

bright eyes

sweet smile

clasped hands

unique style

special child

secret mind

loving heart

one of a kind

so we thought

but 'tis not true

now we find she is one of a few

I'm learning more about G everyday; she's so special to me, brighter than others would assume. Those eyes bear into mine, questioning, answering. I long to know what toughts linger in her mind. If only I knew G, we'd be inseperable.

JET is such a fireball grasping you for just one seconding and wizing off to a new adventure.

TNT grows with each day. Currently exploring the sounds and blurbs her mouth can make, mimicking mine, scooting backwards, standing nearly on our own. Perhaps we will walk before we crawl.

deviantART

Please look at my page and my pictures.

If you have an account to please leave feedback there or here.

Thank you!

http://b-winfo-amor.deviantart.com/

ticket for one. one-way.

Well, what are you waiting for?
I don't know. Something amazing, I guess.
--The Incredibles

Waiting.
For what?
The midnight bus ride out of town? For the bus to hit you?
We're all waiting for that moment, but we all know the bus never comes on-time anyway and the chance of failing breaks are slim. Then you have the ambulance coming to rescue you. Then what?
Yeah, then what...

Old Xanga...justkeepswimmin480

Reading the blogs of my past mind, I find myself less artistic, more logical and explainitory of feelings, emotions. What has happened to that girl? The one who just wrote what came to mind, no long drawn out post. She must be less innocent, shattered, beaten, meaded. She must have more cracks held together with glue, a heart beating slower and slower. Her face must be drained and pale, eyes drooping with less awe of the world. I loved the girl of the past, she was so content with what this life would bring, and now look at her.

Don't say poor girl.
Say get up girl.
No, not a girl. She's a woman.
Right?

everybody poops.

This was a post written on my favorite website of secret friends.

It's going to change my internal life, and make me so much happier.




cantforgetit wrote:
I used to have "performance anxiety" when it came to pooping in public bathrooms as well! However, a semester of commuting to college for sometimes 9 hour days forced me to do it from time to time. Here's what I do:
1. Get a wad of toilet paper and wipe seat off.
2. Cover the seat with several layers of paper.
3. Get another good size wad of toilet paper and put it directly in toilet.
4. Poop.

#3 helps because it greatly reduces the chances of the nasty public toilet water spla

shing back up on you, AND it reduces noise (in the case that you're embarrassed about the "plopping," so to speak).

& it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.

& remember you only live once
so take this as your cue.
i don't apologize for this life
do you see, theres a hue of blue.

i couldn't love you the same way.

Love taught me I could have feelings I never felt before.
Losing taught me to hold on to something good if I find it.
Living taught me to never regret anything because at that very moment,

I wanted it