Fear

Fear:

1. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
2. a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights.
3. concern or anxiety; solicitude: a fear for someone's safety.
4. reverential awe, esp. toward God.
5. that which causes a feeling of being afraid; that of which a person is afraid: Cancer is a common fear.

—Synonyms 1. apprehension, consternation, dismay, terror, fright, panic, horror, trepidation. Fear, alarm, dread all imply a painful emotion experienced when one is confronted by threatening danger or evil. Alarm implies an agitation of the feelings caused by awakening to imminent danger; it names a feeling of fright or panic: He started up in alarm. Fear and dread usually refer more to a condition or state than to an event. Fear is often applied to an attitude toward something, which, when experienced, will cause the sensation of fright: fear of falling. Dread suggests anticipation of something, usually a particular event, which, when experienced, will be disagreeable rather than frightening: She lives in dread of losing her money. The same is often true of fear, when used in a negative statement: She has no fear she'll lose her money. 6. apprehend, dread.

FEAR



I have become my fear. Paranoid to the point of abnormal functions. Would I share this on my blog? - Eventually, but all I know is this fear is eating me alive. A fear few friends know, if so only vaguely and the one involved with me knows in greater detail than I choose to remember from last Wednesday night. I was so content to bottle it up, sleep and pretend it never happened. I am grateful that is not how it turned out.
She seeks help tomorrow, while I do not. It is not because I feel I am any less affected, it's just not the time for me. I am not ready to stop being my fear and until I am I will allow the paranoia to eat me. To let the exhaustion engulf me; waiting for the day to scream you did this to me, this was not a mistake.

Breakage

So I must blog and complain that I have had my 1521 Dell laptop for less than a year and it has decided to crash again, second time since July. Problem with Dell is they have no stores like Apple/Mac does and I must wait 20 minutes on the phone to get a Indian person who's English it not so grand and who I can hardly understand.
This is very aggravating!

I have a full warranty which means they owe me a brand new laptop restored with my data, but alas that would leave me without a laptop for god knows how long (I must ship it to India). I simply cannot wait for that! I feel ridiculous using the computer lab in my residence hall.

I have a long list of complaints for Dell Computers, but at this moment I do not have time to talk on the phone for three hours. I think I will drive myself to BestBuy and have the GeekSquad look at it. At this point I am willing to pay good money for my laptop to stop crashing. I do not overload it with data and it does not have viruses nor do I install strange documents.


*Fumes*

Peace

And tonight in silence, two lovers hate and find
One is bored

One is angry

But neither one of them is right, oh

And so I look for peace in the wrong places, crowds of drunk pigs rubbing against each other looking for the thrill of a quick sack session. I know where I should be and I know where the answers are but I keep running from them. Is it from fear or the thrill of being caught? Why doesn't he suspect? Is because he is so loyal, while I am not?

I know,

but I choose not to go where those answers are.

I keep running away.

Until you let go, I'll continue on the path of sin you hate so much, the more you hate what I do the farther I'll go.

I want to tell you to let go, but I know when you do, I'll fall and your the only one that would pick me up in the state I am.

[ Awesome video that even I can't help but get emotional about: Lifehouse]

Slow down Girl

Why is is so difficult some days to be a girl?

I know so many people say, but you don't have to do this or that, just be yourself.



Easier said than done.



God forbid if I walk out of the house without one or two layers of make up and long lashes, but not too much or I may be looking too "whore-ish" or "slutty." Then to decide on what to wear, if I go too black, I'm depressed, too light and I'm giddy, too "comfy" and I'm a fat lazy cow and too tight I'm a damn hooker. Seriously what is wrong with the world? If I gain too much weight, I've gone obese, too skinny and your anorexic, but average is too plain. o.O Huh? If your hair isn't lush and bouncy with curls or straight and light, you've better make it that way; adding at least thirty minutes to your prep time. The air around you must linger of a perfume, alluring men to see what that sweet scent is, otherwise you've apparently failed the hygiene test. The legs must be silky smooth, as the rest of your body, hairless and beautifully moisturized.

Ridiculous!

Utterly painful to be a girl. Throughout my short life I've picked up on these rules and then some, how tragic and shocking is this to a girl? Not very. Why? Because you've simple been expected and told of these rules and take them as "NORMAL."



I'm sure the male side has their problems too, but I truly believe aesthetically it's so much harder to be a girl.

I AM.

I am an American Solider.

My brother graduated on Friday from Fort Sill, Oklahoma.

I have never been more proud in my life of his final accomplishment.

Remembrance

Today was supposed to be a day of remembrance of what happened 7 years ago, but did I feel a thing? No, that is until I was required to go to a program one of the halls was putting on. I was reminded of how often we confine ourselves to only thinking about here and now and beyond, often forgetting how the past has shaped us, transformed us in some manner. Too often we walk around with blank faces, preoccupied with the days thoughts, forgetting to look past the glaze and appreciate the beauty of what is, what is now.

Have you noticed the tree's changing shape, changing color, the rushing tide of rain trickling down a hill after a long storm, or that ever so common squirrel scurrying across the lawn with a nut. For once, notice those little things and appreciate them here and now, break through the glaze we so often limit ourselves to. We forget there are people just like you thousands of miles away taking a stroll down the Italian coast. How does that make you feel? Pretty small, huh?

That's how I felt when I thought about the impact 9/11 must have had on the people directly affected, it was more than smoke and debris on t.v. it was a life lost, a family member you had a bond with gone; gone in an instant of selfishness.

I know so many quotes and people tell you to "live life to the fullest," but I won't say that, what I want is for you to stop glazing over. Did you notice that the guy in the red shirt smiled at you? No, because we were to preoccupied with yourself. So from now on, lift up you head and pop the bubble you live in and just smile back!

The world is not the cruel place depicted on t.v. so often, it's a humble place, with humble people, a beautiful world waiting for it's inhabitants to open there eyes!

Mind Aloof

Abnormal Psychology: scientific study of abnormal behavior in order to describe, predict, explain, and change abnormal patterns of functioning. Abnormal psychology in clinical psychology studies the nature of psychopathology, its causes, and its treatments.

Abnormal: A person or object that is not normal; Not conforming to rule or system; deviating from the type; anomalous; irregular; Of or pertaining to behaviour that deviates from norms of social propriety or accepted standards of mental health; Odd, strange

So why study abnormal psychology? Taking this literally would make us all "abnormal" and need to be observed by a trained psychologist. I love this class, but it makes me question myself, my family, my friend's mental states. The mind wanders into crannies it's never been before searching for questions to match with the answers I've received in lecture. Psychologist general have a standarized why of determining mental "abnormalities," but maybe I find myself a bit abnormal with being classified as clinically abnomoral. I'm second quessing again...

I question myself a lot lately, wondering if there is something wrong with me to explain recent events, but friends reassure me there is nothing wrong, it's the other person. Do you wonder if they lie or it truly was the other person's wrong that lead to the outcome?

So where do I draw the line for myself that maybe I'm too outside the box and need to take myself to the clinic on campus (?); the same clinic I've done research and tutoring in. The people that know me and see me in classes. Do you have someone else draw the line at abnormal for you? What if they don't truly know you?

My mind continues to wander in crannies continuing to pull out questions, hoping to find an answer, a medium my mind is supposed to be at.

Serenity

Sometimes one just needs some positive words to get them through the tough times, for me these words are my serenity words of the week.

There will always be someone to disappoint us in life, but the amazing thing about humans is our ability to adapt, to change, and to move on; to find someone better and worth while.

Ending of a Chapter

Today I have been able to end a chapter I have been dragging out for some time. I patiently waited, I kept writing, filling the pages with hopeful words and woes, of long nights talking with the girls, planning our encounter, but I have run out of paper devoted to you. I will not regret forgetting to keep in touch from now on. I made an effort to save something, searching frantically for something, but it was never there and that was my downfall; trying to find answers where there were none.

I am not the stupid girl, filling her head with silly dreams of a neverland, I have realized I need to out grow that part of life. I'm ending it by ending this chapter. You will no longer fill the space in my blog, the silly song quotes i post in my facebook status, hoping you see it's for you.

I do not want to be you.

Your side of the grass is not greener.

And I will no longer answer you calls.

You never took my hand, so I'm jumping off and leaving you behind.

she calls me cause I'm still awake

Tell me, what makes you think your so invincible? I can see it in your eyes that your so sure. What about me? The vulnerable one, the one too scared to climb in a kiddy play tube because I'm afriad it will shrink while I'm inside and crush me. I need you, Mr. I-think-I'm-so-invincible-and-brave-and-allthoseannoyingwordsguysusetomakethemselveslookmasculine-annoying-but-oh-so-adorable-man. I'm waiting for you to make a choice. I've made mine. You still haven't taken my hand to jump off the cliff, but oh Mr. Invincible the fall before your swept of your feet it is one of complete serenity.
How do I become you? Do I even want to become you? What's the view from life in the fast lane?